The city is bleak with job prospects and being the desperate foodie I am and not wanting to kick my habit of...eating...I signed up to receive notifications of "gigs" in my area. This work is generally, handing out samples in a mall, working events and tradeshows, etc. I heard that the money was good and the positions in this line of work, ridiculously easy. I am by no means interested in wasting the beautiful liberal arts degree I recently culled but like I said, a girl's gotta eat and while my new philosophy of not saying "no" to a date has kept my social calendar chock-a-block and my stomach well fed, I'd like like to tell my god children that I didn’t get to where I am now by sitting on my ass – I worked damit! Hopefully by the time that lecture rolls around I’ll at least be two steps closer to my dream job, mopping the already pristine floors of the Googleplex. Many of the job notifications I receive go into my gmail folder titled “career2” to separate that correspondence from the real careers I am pursuing. I don’t bother replying to 99% of the notifications but I would like to share with you the latest. Don’t bother replying in angst with advice on how best to decide whether or not to attend the below gig (Lili). I’ll take insult to anyone out there would dare to think I, a women’s studies major and proud feminist, would participate in a degrading, disgusting, and draw-dropping casting call. Even, to make a buck. Read on: And if you don’t mind, I’ll go ahead and narrate between parenthesis.
August 27th, 2009
Hello ladies!
Some of you may have already seen the invite on the e-planner but in case you haven’t:
We’d like to invite you to a Casting Call for a new Liquor Program JAMESON, slotted to run through the end of the year. (Right on! Semi-permanent gig, good cash flow, potential for free 7&7s.!)
Events for this program will run approximately 2-3/week, for 3-4 hrs per event. Events will pay $23/Hr (hot dog!) with an opportunity to receive bonuses based on accumulated hours and excelling as a Brand Ambassador at the events. (Oh hello, I would kick as a Brand Ambassador, I did it for Google at Denison right?)
This invite is to the CASTING CALL, next Tuesday September 1st . This casting is unpaid, (ehhh) and will serve as the job interview for candidacy on the Liquor Program Team. You will then be notified if you have been selected to be on the team, (that’s a bit shit isn’t it?) and will attend a PAID training, details TBD.
(Ok now for the audition details!)
San Francisco Casting Location and Time:
Date – Tuesday September 1st
Time - Castings will run from 8:00PM-9:30PM (NOTE: You will be slotted in every TEN MINUTES. If you are late for your casting, you will lose your opportunity. COME EARLY, and COME PREPARED.)
Location – Kell’s Irish Pub in San Francisco 530 Jackson St.
(Interesting…interview at a Pub, but it is for Jameson…let’s read on)
ü At this casting, you will interview, and also try on the Program Uniform (Black Skirt and Green Tee). (Yeah, I’m not liking the uniformed gigs. It screams hooters to me for some reason.) The client will take a photo (creepy) of you in the uniform for assistance with decision making. YOU MUST BE A SIZE 1 UP THROUGH A 5. (These are the only sizes the uniforms come in.) (Shocker, the only sizes they come in? Would that be because…you only ordered them in those sizes? Maybe? Disgusting. No need to delve into this issue).
ü YOU MUST BRING YOUR OWN HIGH HEELED KNEE HIGH BOOTS
(sasssssy with a side of you’ve got to be kidding me. Ok, I have the boots, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to strut around in them in front of strangers with a camera. My strut looks like a waddle in knee high heels and paired with the skirt, they should be charging way more than $23!)
ü You must arrive at the casting call with your hair and makeup done, as if you were working an (grammatically incorrect) liquor promotion. (No ponytails, etc. In other words, come looking like you are ready to go out.)
(not touching this one)
ü NO facial piercings or visible tattoos.
ü FOR JAMESON A RED WIG IS PART OF THE ATTIRE SO YOU MUST FEEL COMFORTABLE WEARING IT FOR THE EVENTS.
(we all know that I wasn’t serious about this event early on, but if anyone had any doubts until now, that red wig just sealed the deal. I’m not touching this one either. Don’t use your imagination).
If hired for this program, you are NOT able to work any other liquor, beer, or wine brand programs (UNLESS it is a Pernod-Ricard brand,) for the duration of the program. (Some Pernod Ricard Brands: Chivas Regal, Jameson, Glenlivet, Seagram’s, Absolut, Malibu, Stoli, etc.)
If interested in being booked for the casting, please reply with:
1. Your name (you mean, CandyStripper?)
2. CURRENT contact info (phone number, email address)
3. Resume with applicable experience (experience…hmmm…I saw a prostitute once in a spandex thong on the corner of a street in Berlin during music tour in high school. Does that count? Can the rest of us see what a competitive candidate’s resumes looks like for this job?)
4. 2 CURRENT photos. One headshot, one body shot.
(head shot, body shot?! Which one? The one of me on my 21st birthday kneeling next to the toilet in Brews or posing with the “gag gifts” my first-year residents bought me from the local Lion’s Den?)
*We will submit you to our client if we feel you are a good fit, (wait…a good fit as in you think my cute and out going personality will sell your liquor or good fit, you couldn’t see my lovely lady lumps spill over the size 1 skirt? I’m confused.) and we will let you know if you have been selected to attend the Casting* (All that shit and the gig still isn’t guaranteed? Yeesh!)
I laughed/cried so hard when I received this e-mail – just the thought of me participating in an interview like this was revolting. I know some people do it, but I’m not that desperate. I’m not a complete snob though; I did respond to one gig but it was for Intel and they were looking for a Geek Chic tech savvy chick, a far cry from fulfilling my childhood dream of playing little orphan Annie but with a bottle of Irish Whisky in hand.
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